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I Miss You like Christmas

“The leaves begin to change
first frost is back again
... cards and pumpkin pie
jingle bells and silent night
and that old familiar end
I can't deny

I miss you like Christmas baby...”

Dear Ash, my handsome man.

I feel I’ve let you down! I’m so sorry for that baby. I wish you could see how I see you. A man worthy of love, deserving of respect, sensitive and strong. I wish that you were here to hear all the words unsaid. How I long to say them, to you. But maybe you’ll read these words and you’ll take away something from them. Maybe you’ll realize just how precious you are. How strong and brave you, how your not a mistake, not weird, not wrong. Just a man struggling in this world.

I find my silent tears hot on my cheeks. All I just want is to hold you safe and shelter you. My dear boy; all I’ve ever tried to do is protect you. Whenever you cried I whipped away your tears. Whenever you needed me, I was there. This won’t ever change because I love you. Love you deeply and unconditionally. Don’t give up baby.

If I close my eyes, I can still see you waiting for me at the bus stop. Your smile was brighter then the sun, so shy so adorable with deep down eyes. Standing unsure, waiting, until I threw my arms around you. I felt the relief, I loved you from that moment. Probably even before. You were so honest in your feelings...you swept me off my feet. I never though I’d fall for someone as loving. I never dreamed I could be, but you’ve made me into a princess. Your my prince. Baby if I smile, I can still remember the day you became mine.

Baby All I can do is think about you! Think of all the wonderful things, you’ve made me. How you’ve showed me men aren’t all bad. That some guys are wonderful. Some guys will not intentionally hurt you. Some men won’t cheat on you. Some men won’t beat you. Some men won’t rap you. Some men will hold you close and you’ll feel safe. Some men will kiss away your tears. Some men will hold you close when your scared. Some men will know just what to say. Your that kind of man. My superman, my superhero, my prince, my boyfriend, my best friend even. My last thought at night my first whisper upon my lips waking.

Ash, baby, sometimes people don’t understand. I know some have tired to force you into a mold that wasn’t ever meant for you. I’ve seen how broken you have been. I know your struggling. I know your sad, I know your feeling half of the man you are. I know in the mirror your breaking to see this person who isn’t you starring back. Mocking you with her smile. It isn’t fair it shouldn’t be! But baby! YOUR not a girl your a boy! You weren’t meant to be a girl. You were always a little boy and it kills me to think of the childhood you could have had. The childhood that you did have.

If I close my eyes I can see a little boy standing leaning against the fence. He’s watching the other little boys playing in the play ground. He desperately wants to join them. But he worries they’ll shun him. All the little girls stare and wonder. Why this little boy isn’t playing with them, they mistaken him for a girl. This little boy is crying inside, looking for someone to see the little boy he is. Baby, no matter what I’ll always see that little boy. I’ll always see the man you are. I’m so sorry, baby I feel I’ve let you down little boy. My little cub, in protecting you’ve neglected. Something so important, to remind you of the amazing boy, man, guy and boyfriend you are. Not a b-o-i not a girl...a man. My man, and I’m so honored to be.

Baby, don’t forget me...remember were-ever I go my love goes with you. You are the song in my heart and the twinkle in my eyes. When you see a bus stop, don’t forget me, when you hear ‘ someone to watch over me’ I pray you don’t forget me. When you taste mashed potatoes smile for me? When you go to NYC, take a walk and think of all the memories. Please say you baby I pray you don’t forget me. Your name is written across my sky baby! My song is strong because I love you! I’d sing a million songs to an empty night sky. Knowing your out there thinking of me. Baby boy! I’ll stand up and say! I’m so proud of the man you are!!!! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND and his name is ASH. Baby, your a boy through and through! I hope that when you read this you’ll see! I hope you know just how important you are to me. Baby I love you truly, deeply, fully and you’ve stollen my heart. Please keep it always and remember I LOVE you more then words can convoy!

And so I close this letter, I hope you know understand! How you’ve changed my life. BABY! you are my star! <3

Always your Lexie
your babygirl
~*la misma luna*~

You're all that I'm asking for ♥

Baby ♥ Boy

It’s raining, here. A cool and gentle breeze is blowing my hair and tickling my neck. Yet you’re what i’m thinking of, longing for just. Those strong protective arms of yours to hold me, safe. You make me feel so secure, you’re just the one that I’m missing so much. Even though I left Deerpark Station at 12:50, and logically my mind tells me that was less then 7 hours ago. All these minutes in time blend together....serving only to drive my heart crazy. You just don’t know how much you mean. You just don’t don’t know how you’ve changed my life. Enriched it, inspired it, strengthened it and brought joy to every corner of my soul. You’ll never realize how brave you are. You’re just amazing.

Every-time I see you, every-time we talk I only fall more in love. Ever single kiss, each and every burning touch only reinforces my adoration. I’m simply full of overflowing unconditional desire, love, compassion, respect and trust; for this wonderful man, you. You’ll never be ordinary, you’ll always be my extraordinary, amazing man. I know together, we can show the world, what’s inside your heart. Show the world, the amazing man who looks out sadly from behind your gorgeous eyes. You’re reflection will show the man, I’ve come to love beyond measure. I’ll always give you my strength to get through each hard day. I know you feel lost, but don’t be alone, I’m always within your heart. Always whispering how much I love you. Always trying to show you just who you are inside. You’ll never be alone with me at your side. The strength is within you, you’re more then you’ll ever realize.

I can’t wait for you to come home. To our life, to our bed to our normal life. Just a boy and his girl, nothing to star at. Just a boyfriend and his girlfriend. No need to figure out who you ARE. You’ll prove it, you’ll clam it all. You’ll see someday just how proud you make me. You’ll see what a wonderful man you are baby and until then. I’ll be right there building you up when others deem to tare you down.

I’ve never been more awed, then seeing what you’d written. To see just how much I truly mean to you, gives me happy tears. To be given the chance to share a part of you. To read your inner thoughts, I was so shocked. I was so honored you could share something like that with me. Even now you’re texting to say how much you miss me, aw. I don’t even want to go to bed if your not holding me. Or I can’t hold you safely against my heart. There truly isn’t anything as wonderful as feeling your head against my heart. To be holding you, my own dear soul. The product of my inner dreams made real. You were all that I was asking for. From your captivating eyes, to your shinning smile, I’ve told you I’m pouring out my soul. You amaze me, you satisfy everything I’ve been asking for. Goodness how you surprise, with little gifts and I just can’t believe I got this lucky. I’d never imagine a life without you here. Inside my heart.

Baby I’m all yours. All your’s, my heart, my soul, with every fiber of my being. My mind, body and spirit aches, longings to connect again with you. To be whole again, to be our ideal selves. I’ve been waiting all my life for my prince charming. I’ve been searching for someone, unsure I’d never find my soulmate. I wasn’t sure I even believed then I turned around and you’re here. Baby, if I could I’d write our names in the stars forever. I’d make every one of your dreams come true. I’d show you just how essential and important you are. I’ve been waiting all my life to love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of it doing just that.

For everything you are
you’re something special
ALWAYS baby,
I’ll be right here giving,
respect, love, care,
always your Lexie <3
~*la misma luna*~

Son of Man <3

Dearest Baby,

How simple, it’s been to love you, unconditionally truly deeply fully. Just for the man you are. You’re never what I expected, your so much more. In each passing day my love for you only grows. Looking back across the months, if someone had told me. I’d fall in love in with a man. I'd never have believed. But baby I NEVER change my life for anything. You’ve brought me so much joy.

“Oh, the power to be strong
And the wisdom to be wise
All these things will
come to you in time”

Your my protection and my sweetest dream. Never have I felt safer, then when your holding me close. You know what I need before I ask. When you smile. You melt my heart. Everything about you is simply heavenly. From your eyes gorgeous. To your smile, to your touch and your laughter and how we are together. You're so much wiser then you know my love. Sometimes I think, maybe I’ve imagined you, then you call, text or I wake in your arms; and I smile.

“On this journey that you're making
There'll be answers that you'll seek
And it's you who'll climb the mountain
It's you who'll reach the peak”

I’d never change anything about you. My only wish is for you to be happy. To be the man you are inside. To show the world, what you’ve showed me. That your an amazing, handsome, sexy, wonderful, dreamy, caring man. I know there is so much you've yet to discover about yourself. I just can't wait to be there for everything. I couldn’t ask for more. You’re my brightest star. You give me butterflies baby. You awoke me from my cold, darkness. Made me safe and warm. Your more then I’ve imagined, your more amazing everyday. So, of course I miss you terribly.

"Son of Man, look to the sky
Lift your spirit, set it free
Some day you'll walk tall with pride
Son of Man, a man in time you'll be"

From the minute I saw your picture. From the minute I saw your smile, baby I fell. I wanted you so much. I thought no one like that would ever want me. But suddenly you wrote me and our story began.

"Though there's no one there to guide you
No one to take your hand
But with faith and understanding
You will journey from boy to man"

I’ve opened my heart, so easily to you. Given my trust, my support, respect, love and understanding without question. Held you, close when you cried, kissed away your tears. Reminded you, when others said you were wrong. You were, right. That your a wonderful man and will someday be an amazing father. That being your girlfriend is the greatest gift. That knowing your mine, my man, my baby, my boyfriend. Makes my heart smile. I’m so proud of you. So proud to stand at your side, holding your hand. Next to this unbelievably brave strong man.

“Son of Man, look to the sky
Lift your spirit, set it free
Some day you'll walk tall with pride
Son of Man, a man in time you'll be “

You’ll always be in my heart, you’ll always be my inspiration. You’ve changed my life, you’ve opened my mind from this day on, I’ll carry you wherever I go, like the air I breath. Baby. I know that you need me just as much as I need you. We are amazing together, a normal, couple. Just a boy and a girl. Its right, its real, its the way it should be. Its the one thing I was looking for. The one thing I never knew I needed. I’ll be with you, baby I’ll always support you. No matter what others say. You know I’ll be there. Standing, strong protecting your heart, you and everything we are. I just love you so much baby boy! <3 You’re my ever ever after.

“In learning you will teach
And in teaching you will learn
You'll find your place beside the
ones you love”

All my daydreams, you’re there, blankets, hammocks, summer sunlight and warm nights. Kisses holding your hand. Falling more in love. Knowing you see me, really know me. I blush so deeply when you look deep into my eyes. I know you see my soul and I know I don’t mind. Baby, you make me feel special and it’s my goal to make you feel loved. I want everyone to see the wonderful man I know. I want you to be you! You've taught me so much about love. You've given me the greatest gift ever.

“Oh, and all the things you dreamed of
The visions that you saw
Well, the time is drawing near now
It's yours to claim in all”

From the moment I knew you, I wanted you to be my boyfriend. You were always a him, born to be a boy someday you’ll be the man you wanna be. But you’ll always be my baby boy. I’ll always be your supportive baby girl. I know before you know it all the things you're wishing for will be here. I'll always do everything to give you the world. To show you dreams come true. My love.

“Son of Man, look to the sky
Lift your spirit, set it free
Some day you'll walk tall with pride
Son of Man, a man in time you'll be”

For all of these reasons I love you. For all of these reasons you mean so much. Baby, you are amazing and baby I just thought you should know.

“son of man for all to see” <3

Always your’s
~*la misma luna*~

Everything <3 Day 5

Baby Boy;

Today you’re coming home and last night you actually texted me to say ‘ i love you’ you’re unbelievably adorable. Have I told you lately how much I love you?

You told me you saw a lout of couples and thought of me everyday. So sweet, baby. I thought of you everyday too, but that’s normal :) you’re always in my heart and on my mind. I never told you my dream about Disney World did I. I remembered it after you left, actually. I’ll tell you if you’d like to know?

By now as I’m reading these words you’re blushing crimson and giggling. Shaking your head because I anticipated your smiles days before I’ve read you any of this. By now you’ll have realizing just how much I love you and missed you. Because I’ve written you out one letter every day you’ve been gone. No thanks necessary :) baby, each word was a pleasure and delight to entomb. If only that I’d know how happy you’d be just to come home and hear these words.

It’s morning here, 9:50am, earlier then my usual letters. I’ve been writing at night these last four days. You know as well as I can’t tonight. My vacation begins tonight :) and last night you told me you’ll be home tonight. Funny isn’t it. We’ll probably be passing each other you in the sky I on the dark highway. Miles apart but tied together where it matters in our hearts.

ALL my cd’s are done. PACKED. Everything is done, well mostly. When Danny comes tonight to pick up me and Nat. She’ll give me her computer bag and I can pack, my phone charger, computer & charger and my crayons. Cinnamon doesn’t quite know what to make of all the stuff I’ve been jamming into bags. For example I wanted to pack my Angry Bird; but he’s watching me type this letter my beloved man, you. Cinnamon is watching me and she’s looking confused. Her favorite heart toy is packed, her blanket and food bowel and leash. Its all in my American Eagle Bag.

Nat just called to inform me that she might as well move to North Carolina. As she has packed her entire room in her bags. Hmm it must be a subconscious thing, to pack everything that matters so you don’t have to come home?

This was after I made sure to set up my special albums through the apps ‘ my vacation’ and ‘ tripcolor’ on my iPhone to document my trip. Must remember to make my spring album on Facebook public so everyone can see the pictures. Oh and pack the camera!

I just stared listening to Johnny Cash’s song ‘ Ring of Fire.’ For some curious reason this song makes me think of road trips. Though this one will be of course be my first long one. Also my first serious trip to the SOUTH. I can’t believe it, that we’ll be crossing the Mason Dixon Line. But baby, as you already know. You’ll be fallowing this entire trip, I’ll take you lots of pictures. I can’t wait to see the South. Did you see leaves on trees in Florida? Silly question of course you did. I’m wondering if I’ll when I pass bellow Maryland.

Did I ever tell you my college took us on a 5 hr trip to DC in 2006. It was that year that I went to see the cherry blossoms so beautiful. I got to watch the sun come up and described it as -

“ the sun bursts over the mountains sending the blueberry clouds to pink cotton candy.”

Isn’t that poetic?

I watched a lout of Dawsen’s Creek to prepare for this trip and even one about Spring Break in Florida. There is a song called ‘ Everything’ by M2M and It makes me smirk because it starts off by talking about this girl. She misses her boyfriend and she tells us how long it’s been since he called her. She also tells us that everyone is in love so were are you? Its cute. Makes me think of you.

I’d love to just be able to go away with you. Would you like that baby. A vacation just us? Were would be go? I’d love to go to North Carolina with you to the beach. I love the ocean, as the sun rises from its depths. Staining the water a glorious golden peach. You can’t tell but I’m smiling thinking of us there. Together walking hand in hand. Alone :)

It’s so gray outside and cold. I can’t wait to go somewhere warmer. According to my iPhone it will be 79’ in Newton when we arrive tomorrow morning. Not to different from Orlando which I noticed is 84’ now. You must have had so much fun. Did you swim? I hope you took lots of pictures. Oh my gosh it’s so wonderful at last to be able to read you all these letters. I love you baby.....

And so I end this letter, my wish would be that I will close my computer and you’ll be right here. You’ll kiss me and hug and hold me close. You’ll say ‘ oh baby i love you so much.’ But either way, you’ll be within my heart....and I’ll be within yours.

You are so Loved Ash,
you’re the most wonderful man ever! Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.
always your
baby girl <3

PS. By now I can tell you a little SECRET.
PSS. I can think of other things to do too, besides walk hand in hand. Curling up on a beach towel reading and watching the water. I’ll kiss your cheek as I always do you’ll blush. Some things don’t change. You’ll pull me close and probably down on top of you. And we will lay like that...the world...far away...just as safe, loved and together...I miss and love you so much baby boy, my cubby, my all in one...my best of everything....my other half<3
~*la misma luna*~

Mo Ghile Mear <3 Day 4

Darling Love;

Today was my last day with Dean and Racheal as their Nanny. Can you truly believe I’ve been working there six months? The week I started there was the week I met you at the bus station. Not for the first time this week does my mind wonder back to those perfect memories. I can’t help but shake my head and smile, oh how you are missed.

Baby, you haven’t texted since Sunday, I’m sure you’ve got a very good reason. I’m betting you let your phone charger back in NY? I’m sure by the time I’m sure reading these words to you. I’m hopping you’ll have already texted to tell me you missed me.

I’ve just FINALLY finished all 12 discs for the drive to North Carolina tomorrow night. I’ve been working on them since the beginning of March.

I also burned an extra one of celtic music, which I love with my entire heart. It makes my heart jump just like your kisses do. There is this song that I really love that I downloaded tonight it’s called Mo Ghile Mear, that is Gallic the language of the celtics and my mom’s ancestors. It’s loosely translated as my darling. Which you are so dear to my heart. Perhaps this is why I love this song so much. It actually reminds me of how it feels to love you. SO ALIVE. So beautiful, so free, so safe so amazing in every way. Someday maybe I can play you this song?

I’m up to page 517 of the Historian the book has once more gotten away from me. I can’t help how addictive it is just like your kisses. I know you’re blushing as I read this and because of that I’m smiling and wanting to hold you.

There is something almost magical about the song ‘ Night Ride Across The Caucasus by Loreena McKennitt. As though this song was written for this book, a perfect song for a soundtrack. I wish you were here baby boy to hear it. It’s layered and echoing, whimsical and haunting. As though its reverberating back across time and space. Back from a place that only a song can journey.

My dad brought her CD back from Canada once. She’s big there you see. He didn’t take to her at all but. I fell for her haunting message and bestowed the honor of the unofficial songs of The Historian on them. A grand honor when you realize how much I love the book. Perhaps you find it cute that your baby girl gets all excitable over a book. Perhaps it is as I’m smiling reading this to you blushing heart racing. Maybe your actually sitting here with me holding my hand. Every time I share a part of myself, even if its a book. My life comes alive in a way it never could have been. My love for you makes every old thing NEW again. Every new experience exciting. Oh how I love you baby boy! I miss you so much. I wish more then anything you were here....I long to kiss and be held by you so much.

At some point tomorrow you come home from Orlando. At some point, I hope you’ll text me....because I miss you so....

Around 10pm I’ll be leaving for North Carolina. I’ll write you one more letter here; tomorrow morning. As I read you these words, I’ll have already returned home.

I hope we are united again soon, not only in heart for we always are. But in all ways....until my next letter....

I miss you
and love you with my entire heart
your baby girl
~*la misma luna*~

A thousand Miles :) Day 3

Baby love;

It’s Monday the 26th; two days till the 28th. I’m sure you’ve noticed the days ticking away with a mix of happiness and annoyance. I’m sure that no one want’s to leave, what is called happiest place on earth. Though for me, as I read these words to you. I’ll just simply say as I blush that the most magical place for me is with you. Now your blushing, because I know I’ve awed you again. I speak only what is in my heart my handsome man. I write only my deepest adoration, love and desire for you. I miss and love you so much.

I hope you’re having fun baby! I want to hear all about it, Disney World. I had a dream about it, I can’t remember if I told you. Sadly I’m not having much fun at the moment.

Today, I had a serious talk with my boss or at least I tired to. This was in part what made my day so sad. I needed to ask her about my pay. She totally ‘ bitched’ me out, for asking her a question. My last day was supposed to be Wednesday, and she still hasn’t payed me. So it was legitimate for me to ask her about it.

I’m going to miss Dean and Racheal and its sad to be leaving. I know that this is just a job to their mom. But we have gotten close in the past months. I’ve shared a lout of myself in this job and I’d like to at least be given respect. I guess their mom can’t manage that, because she’s been so rude to me these past days.

On the bright side, we were playing vampire today, Dean was the villain and I was the vampire slayer. Racheal was the princess that I had to protect. It was seriously fun and then we watched the 10th Kingdom. It gave my heart so much happiness to see how this story came alive for them. I was 16 in high school when this movie aired on NBC. It was so amazing to be able to share this movie with them. When it was me and my mom’s thing before. I we’ll never forget these simple little memories.

Oh and speaking of Vampires I’ve finished part 1 & 2 of the Historian. I had forgotten in fact how good it really was. I’ll gladly tell you anything or everything about it. I’m not sure if you’re into vampires. I’m more a werewolf fan as you know. I know you’re probably blushing thinking of the wolf. PS. He’s thinking of you to :)

I packed today and Cinnamon assisted by playing with her toy all over my cloths. I had to take it way from her to get anything done. She looked very sad but I had to get things done. We both MISS YOU! BABY! I know it’s only been a few days since you’re been on vacation. But I feel like there’s always so much to tell you. I always crave time with you. US time, to hold your hand or kiss your perfect lips. To lay in you’re strong arms...to fall asleep there. To have adventures, I know I sound like like a broken record player, I’m hoping that’s endearing. But my love for you and my missing you lays unchanging on my heart. Come home soon baby boy. Your girl misses you so much. Misses everything about you....and hopes as I read these letters over....you’ve been thinking of me too.

all my love
your baby girl

Oh PSS. Remember I told you how ditzy Natalie can be? Well today there was a psycho running around with AK 47 near Danny’s job. She’s ok the building was on lock down. I told Nat on fb and I sandwiched it between a list of things I packed and something else I can’t remember. It’s up on my wall if you want to read it. Anyway her response to my message was, thanks for reminding me to bring a pillow!??? REALLY! Danny was like Nat is a ditz. Oh I don't know if they got the guy yet. I'll write and let you know when they do.

Well Ce La Vie....until tomorrow, i'll be dreaming and thinking of you. By the way thank you for all the wonderful texts you've been sending...you make me feel very loved.
~*la misma luna*~

Wishing on the Same Star :) 1st day

my birthday photo w my baby :)

It’s Saturday, Saturday the 24th of March and exactly two months since i’ve written. An unusually warm winter has brought about Spring early, with flowers beginning to blossom along the stone wall. It’s been so balmy that I’ve been able to break out the mini skirts and shorts nearly a month and a half early. I’m now twenty six and content with that.

To catch you up, I lost resigned my job. As I had taken a new one this family backed out so now I’ve no job. Even though I’m scared, because now I’ll have no income until I get another job. I’m hopeful for the future, at least Ash is always there for me. He has been a great support to me. I love him so much and I deeply miss him. It’s been so long since we’ve fallen asleep in each others arms. He wasn’t able to come up for my birthday, but he did spend the 18th with me & my friends in NYC. He also bought me a JUICY shirt :) but it was the new letter he wrote me, presenting it to me. Were I read it on a park bench, that my love for him was overflowing. It was almost better then the River Side Park in January. We hit the Hard Rock, and spent nearly the entire time cuddling and walking NYC had in hand. GOSH I MISS HIM. Right now he is in Orlando at Disney. This was as much a surprise to me as to him.

He was in that place, he and I don’t like for near three weeks. We texted talked twice on the phone. He had gone in there, at the beginning of March, which was a surprise because he’d been so happy at my birthday. But the thing with Ash is he’s always got to put up a front and unable to be true to himself. I’m not surprised he finds himself ready to fall, but I promise him ALWAYS. I’ll catch him.

I’m very happy for him that he gets to go away on vacation. Still I know I’m a little jealous, that its DISNEY, a place I haven’t been for nor can fallow. His mom surprised him on Wednesday telling him he was going to Florida. He said he wouldn't take his phone and at first I cried. He wasn’t sure when he was coming back or were he was going. Since then we found out he’d be back the 28th the day Danny, Nat and I leave for NC. YES! We are truly going :) until April 1st. Its an 11 hour drive and I simply can’t wait. He told me he’d miss me while I was gone. I then reminded him that I would have my phone.

Yesterday I woke up having lost my voice and had to go see the doctor. I’m on medication now to fix that. I think it was this reason that he decided to take his phone :) I was so surprised when I got a text from the airport this morning at 5 before he left. I was smiling and I’m still smiling even though I miss him so much.

I started reading The Historian again. I was trying so hard to wait for the trip I couldn’t. I’ve made 8 complete CD’s and I’ve two unfinished and at least a few others for artist’s we like. Nat and I went shopping last weekend and so all I have to do is pack. I’ll do that Monday and Tuesday. I didn’t get payed yet and there are still some things I need. The CD’s have got to be done before Monday.

Last night Nat came over to watch a movie. I ended up finding and showing her all my Disney stuff. From when I nearly went and I put a bunch of Disney travel stuff in my Netflix instant que. So that though I couldn’t actually be with Ash, I could at least enjoy his vacation graphically with one video for 5 days. Ah, I digress :) I also planned to write Ash, a letter for each day we didn’t talk.....so this is for you baby...

Baby boy;

So you’re in Orlando tonight, celebrating you’re time with your family. It must be wonderful that it’s just you and your siblings. I know this must already be becoming a wonderful experience. My only regret, though I’m so happy for you siting here with our Cinnamon thinking of you. Is that I can’t be with you to experience this freedom you’ve so surly craved. Not because I’ve never been to Disney World and you know I want to. No because I love each and every precious moment with you. Each moment I spend, holding your hand or kissing your perfect lips. Just serves to show me that love is real. Baby, you raze me up and I feel as though I can touch the sky. You show me what it means to be a little boat safe even in a stormy sea. Your comfort and protection soothes my heart and makes me strong. Oh how I miss you, more then you’ll ever know. It’s getting dark here. Soon the stars will light the sky and a silver moon will rise. Somewhere you’re there looking on this same vast sky. You’re always in my heart like a melody that repeats endlessly. I wish you were here, but I’m also so glad your having fun:) that’s all I ever dream is that you’ll be happy. I love you so much baby.

Not much happened today it’s gotten a little colder here. I watched Dawsen’s Creek, North Carolina is really beautiful. I can’t believe I’ll really be going soon. I find it amusing your coming home the day I leave. I can’t wait to see you, I hope you come up in April. I can’t wait to share and talk with you about our adventures. I just wish we could do them together. I long to have a special experience with just you.

Falling asleep in this bed alone is so cold. I long for your strong arms holding me. To fall asleep with you, just to the sound of your heartbeat and breathing. I miss all the little expressions of love we share. A look, how you see into my heart. A touch, when you take my hand. A kiss, when you take me in your arms and kiss me. How we both blush and how we are sometimes are so silly. Like young children with a first crush. Brushing our finger tips, swinging our hands laced. Pretending not to look but glancing at the other. I miss all this, last weekend I went and stood against the railing in the mall. We stood there once, do you remember? I smiled but I missed you.

Aw baby, sometimes words can’t express. I just feel like I’m breathing love I can’t find a word bigger then love. But I know I love beyond and endless and each moment I think of your love I smile. Come home soon my handsome man.

All my love your
baby girl <3
~*la misma luna*~

Generation Love

Curious and curiouser, the way in which little words can change the world; something happened today. The writer in me thought to put words to paper once more. Since, the conversation, sparked such a fire in my heart. It happened like this...

I was in the car with Rachel and we where just casually talking. Waiting for Dean, her brother to get of the bus. Rachel, if you don’t know her is a very sweet and precocious child. She does however, often have the ability to speak as Luna would ‘ uncomfortable truths.’ She is an imaginative child, but extremely observant. It’s unlikely that if you’ve told her something interesting. She’d have pause to forget your words. She also asks the most unusual questions in the most profound manner. You’d believe you where speaking to someone much older.

I’ve got to veer off topic here, a little in regards to Ash. Who i miss and love with my entire heart. Since last I wrote, we’ve been doing well and are unofficially back together! He calls me his baby girl...which never ceases to make me blush and often my heart to skip beats. When he tells me he loves me, I feel warmth wash over me. I am so in love, that I actually save his messages on my iPhone to read again and again.

Rachel doesn’t know Ash, as he is she knows him as what she sees. Ash on his part hasn’t bothered to correct her. She knows him as Ryan when it comes to our love. Gosh I miss him, like I don’t think he really gets how much. How each text message is a light in a dark room. How each call restarts my heart. How his kisses and how he holds me puts color back into the world. No I don’t think he realizes how much I love him. I’ve always had such an easy time writing down how I feel. When it comes to Ash, to my baby I am speechless. Its like no word I write is good enough. Real enough to describe how I feel. To describe the love that I have or the desire that I feel. There isn’t a world I’ve ever learned big enough, sweet enough amazing enough to describe my baby boy.

I was thinking about Ash, when Rachel was talking on happily in the back seat. I must have been mussing out load because she put her head between the seats and looked at me.

I said “ oh” and she laughed. I said “ oh uh..Rachel I have a question for you.”

She smiled and said “ like what?”

With a serious voice I said “ Rachel do you think its ok for a girl to wear boys cloths.”

She began to laugh and said “ why do you ask Marcela.”

I smirked “ well honey” I said “ I have a friend who’s mother gets very angry when she does. She gets in trouble.”

Rachel frowned “ thats stupid girls can wear boys cloths. In fact girls look cooler wearing boys cloths.”

She was very matter affect casual and almost haughty.

Ash, who I hadn’t heard from most of the day suddenly texted me. I blushed and starred down at the phone nestled in the console.

Rachel said “ is that Missa?”

I said “no...uh honey its Ash.”

She smiled happily and asked “ what did she say?” She then leaned further and saw Ash had written “ I miss you baby.”

Rachel proceeded to read it out load...and my cheeks burned. I told her it was a nickname and she believe that. She told me her nickname was sunshine:)

I almost missed what Rachel said it was very calm and honest. “ I think mothers worry their daughters will turn into boys.”

I turned in my seat to stare. “ What do you mean by that?”

she stopped to think “ moms are silly your friend should wear whatever she likes. I would love to be able to wear boys cloths, but mom gets me only girly stuff. Maybe her mom worries what will happen to her if she looks different. Maybe she wants her to be like she was growing up. There’s nothing wrong with it, I think your friend is cool. I mean you wear boys cloths. The only problem is with the pants, Cinnamon chews them.”

I couldn’t believe what Rachel was saying. My mouth was hanging open “ so if i bought you a boys hat you’d wear it” I said laughing a little.

She gave me a serious smile “ yes i’d love a boys hat. Dean is lucky he can wear boys stuff.” She sounded almost sad.

“ So” I paused “ you’d wear cloths like Justine Bebber”

“ Yes!”

“ Wow.” I nodded smiling “ good for you sweetie.”

By then Ash was texting me again and I was laughing on the inside.

“ I think people get scared when their children wear cloths that are unconventional” I said to her. “ Like I think they get uncomfortable with unconformity.” By this time I was really getting into it and getting excited “ It think her mom” I was changing her to him in my head “ doesn’t want her to become a boy.”

“ I think your right” she responded right back. “ but that doesn’t happen from cloths you are what you are...like can you imagine Dean with girl cloths on...I can imagine him in a dress with a bow.”

I was laughing so hard and so was she. “ Don’t tell him you’re imagining him in a dress ok.”

“ I am not gonna but he doesn’t make a pretty girl.” She barreled on “nanny how do you get a niece?”

So as soon as it had started it was over and I was left to explain in detail how a family works.

Yes, something interesting happened today. Rachel opened my eyes to a fact that, someday the children of today. Will be the leaders of tomorrow and they are already living hearts open to learn and accept.

So next time Ash comes to stay, hopefully for my birthday. He’ll be able to dress as boyish as he desires. Its not going to upset her....there is hope....maybe someday they will call us ‘ generation love.’

My dearest darling love;

This part is for you and only you. You are the music of my heart, the magic and the wish I make every time I see 11:11. To the stars and to the moon I say “ take my dreams, my wishes to my baby boy. Let him know how much I love him. Let him know “ we will be strong forever like the moon and the stars at midnight...we will be strong together.” I love you Ash, wherever you are I miss you and know my love is overflowing unconditional and never ending. You name plays in my mind, your kisses jump start my heart. When you hold my hand I feel like I am alive. When we fall asleep together I am home. Every-time something exciting happens I want you here to share it. Even the ordinary turn extraordinary with you in my life. I'm proud to be your girl and that you're my boy, my man, my best friend and my lover. Ash, I was born to love you...I always will.
~*la misma luna*~

Here we Go again

My life has become a Shakespeare tragedy, though the irony isn’t lost on me. I mean, seriously, I always thought my life was too unique to be average. Now, I’ve got the proof sadly, as it has become a complicated web. I wish I could just separate everything, but clearly I am in over my head. I can’t even see the woods for all the tree’s; so to speak.

I am not even sure where to start, though I suppose the beginning. It all started a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Ash, asked his ex Tina, to chill with him. I wasn’t pleased, but I couldn’t just stop him. I mean he didn’t even have his phone. I couldn’t even reprimand or shame him. Anyway I am not that kind of girl. I did notice the comments that where flying back and forth between Tina and Brian though. I wasn’t pleased. I got annoyed later when he did have the phone. He told me nothing happened and I believe it. However, the feelings he’d pushed down reemerged that day. I didn’t know.

Things got kinda weird the week before Thanksgiving, he had his phone taken away again. We seemed to be drifting apart, but he said he loved me and of course, that was true. He was angry about a lout of stuff one of which was how everyone was telling him stuff. Like I didn’t realize that everyone around him was telling him to break up with me. I had no idea.

I’ve always thought, love could transcend anything. Though somewhere after Carolina left and Missa had gone. I started to wonder if I was just doomed to remain alone. Perhaps, I’d only reach my full potential being alone.

On the day before Thanksgiving I went to see Ash, with excitement and fear. I knew we’d either make it through this ‘ family’ affair or break. It was wonderful being in his arms again, kissing him in the car. I liked his sister, Justine and Vincent right away. They where so sweet and cute. But suddenly, something wasn’t right on Thanksgiving morning. We’d had a really wonderful night and then dawn brought pain.

I tried to play it off, but it became quite clear. That something wasn’t right. He was avoiding me at every turn. Even with the entire family there he didn’t want to be near me. I was shamed and hurt. Finally I confronted him and he told me, that his feelings for Tina had grown back ten fold. I was in shock and I cried but managed to hold it together enough. To go back to playing Just Dance with Justine and her cousin. We had a lot of fun and the entire family loved my cake. By the end of the night, I had fallowed Ash to his room.

I asked him shyly to bind for me to show me the real him. He did and when I saw him looking like a boy. I just feel harder for him. It was the Ash, I’d been feeling and seeing in my mind for so long. Without a doubt this was the REAL Ash. Again another wonderful night of laughter and talking. He held me against his heart and said he loved me.

In the morning it was all terrible again. He had to work so I had to go home early. I saw the text Tina sent ‘ did you break up with her yet?’ Even his mom was sending messages saying ‘ go easy on her be nice.’ But Ash was crying his eyes out and I was holding him and trying to sooth him. Even though my own heart was breaking. I couldn’t make him see he was making a mistake. Still I left, in tears only to hug Justine and Vincent. I left, after Ash had broken up with me. Broken my heart and I felt I’d never breath again.

This all came to a screeching haut and I couldn’t even grieve. Ash tried to kill himself a few hours after. I am not sure to this day what pushed him so far, but he must have been upset for a while. Burdened and broken, uncomfortable in the body that God gave him. So he just struck out and tired again to take away his life. If he’d succeeded I don’t know where I’d be.

I was his rock though the three days in the hospital via text. Then he got released and went over to Tina’s. I was in agony all over again, sick and hurting. He bounced back and forth without a phone. Between Brian’s and Tina’s.....for a week until he went home. Two weeks of hell, and we are in week three. I am losing track of time its all bleeding.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Ash has been coming back. Its been hard because he doesn't have a phone. He gets it back and then it goes away again. Brian told him I was going back with an ex and that made him sad. I told him no that wasn’t true. I told him I loved him and that he was the only one I wanted.

We talked over text and he said some really sweet stuff about respecting me and loving that I support him. Then over twitter he said I was mine only mine. Last night we talked on the phone and he said, he was gonna talk to Tina. That he doesn't want to be with her. That he wants me....

Well....today, I wanted to go shopping for him. Brian was like why are you gonna buy him a gift y’all aren’t dating. Then I saw that he had finally told Ash his true feelings. It was all over his wall and I was upset all over again. I am getting used to being constantly upset. Its like a constant pain in my heart and ache that I can ignore more each day. I messaged Ash, asking him to write me because Brian had upset me. He called me and it came out that had been jumped. He said he was going home to be with his mom. He said that he needed her. I was like ok, let me know if you need anything baby.

How I find out that Ash is with Brian, that he is holding his razor and wanting to cut. What does Brian do...he invites Tina over to help. I feel like this is just gonna push me and Ash off track again. I feel like Brian is deliberately trying to mess us up. I told Ash this and he responded back a few days after. To say that I should only believe what he says to me. That I should remember what I said about everyone having their own agenda. Of course with Brian being that he is in love with Ash. Of course he would want to make sure that he pushes away the girl he actually loves. I want to be there for Ash, but everyone else seems to not be letting me. I am so tired of being the one that always takes care of everyone. Yet I fell the job with grace and love.

I hope, Tina keeps her hands off Ash. I hope that he knows enough from what he has said to not go back to her. I hope he realizes that he is hurting me. He told me again I can’t have my heart back. That he loves me so much and he doesn't want me out of his life. I am not gonna leave but seriously, I love him so much. I’ll be with him forever. I am just so exhausted from fighting. Why why do I always have to be the one that does the fighting.

I hope his seeing Tina isn’t gonna confuse him more. Though he is already so upset and broken it can’t get worse. I mean I am being the best friend that I can be. Telling him I am here. I said to Brian....‘yeah well he's my man seriously I am not happy but I'll swallow my pride...like he and I just got things on point I don't want her fucking it up.’

He said ‘she won't♥ I just need her here to calm him down and make him feel safe and comfortable...he listens to her...

I can only pray to God that everything is going to turn out ok. That the fact that Ash said we are ok earlier and that nothing is changing. He loves me. I’ve got nothing left to hold on to. My head is swimming, because I smashed it on the shelf yesterday by mistake.

I don’t know what I’d do without the friends who have been there for me these past weeks. Kit and Missa have been my rocks. Natalie has been keeping me happy and distracted. My sister Martha has been my shoulder to cry on. Carolina came back to give her sage advice. She told me she still loves me and misses me. It seems that I am desired and wanted. Just I don’t know how to deal with it.

I hope that I’m just being paranoid that Brian isn’t really the rat I make him out to be. Because earlier before he asked the witch over. He said me and Ash are destined to be together.

Only time will tell { looks down and sighs}
I love you Ash


~*la misma luna*~

'Stick to it-ivity'

“Now where there's a will

There's a way to do it

But you'll never get there

If you don't stick to it”

I’ve always, been the girl who fought for her own freedom and those who needed it most. Naturally as a result, I’ve gotten myself, in trouble more times then I’d care to admit. Though I’ve always managed to get out of the preverbal ‘ hot water.’ Countless times and always managed to survive, happily enough. Content in the fact I knew my right from wrong, always. Or so I thought, as I got older I realized there was a ‘ gray area.’

Suddenly, fighting wasn’t such an open attack. Maybe rather it was better to do it from behind closed doors. Suddenly it was better to hide, instead of going in with all guns blazed. I took the high road, I took the road less taken. I kept my mouth tightly shut.

I protected and cared for those I loved most. I put so many people before my own heart. Sometimes I forgot my opinion counted at all. Sometimes I still forget, that my duty is to my heart.

A duty my mom instilled in me from childhood that I must always fallow my heart. That I would could only be happy if I knew myself. So it happened one day that I ended up watching the Disney movie, ‘ So dear to my heart.’ But it soon became a favorite. The song‘ Stick-to-it-ivity’ a beloved one, I still put it out when I need a little reminder; like today.

Its a kind of anthem to me, like Miley’s ‘ Liberty Walk’ which also haunts my dreams. Any song, that reminds me I’ve got to fight against the prying eyes of Ash’s mother. Drives me insane with frustration and anger. I’ve been unbelievably lived, since I realized that after all the waiting. Ash wouldn’t get his phone back today. On Thursday I was lead to believe we’d have communication back today.

I really should know better though, I mean according to Ash....”as long as i live under her roof, she is the ruler of everything.....everything that she says is right and everyone else are just fuck ups in her world.....she has all the power and i have none.....like she saw something she didn't like and is being a bitch and not giving me back my things.....which she doesn't even have a right to take.....*sigh* i know you've never lived in my house or get how it is here but like....if i'm wearing a green shirt and my mom doesn't like it i will be punished.....like that's how she is....”

Good God, its like living in Germany under Hitler, he should join me here on the home front. In our house If i so much as sneeze wrong my dad throws a fit. I can’t figure whats worse. My dad who takes the quit, lull you into a false sense of security and then jump out and get you approach. Or Ash’s mum who goes after him, all the time. Though they say the grass is always greener on someone else’s side of the fence. Perhaps Ash would love living under my dad, in Stalinist Russia. Dictators are nothing but bullies anyway. They feed off the pain of the weak....we mustn't show fear. 

It was comments written on my wall that pushed Ash’s mother over the edge. Well no, she hasn’t gone on a rampage like before. But the phone, is the bargaining chip. She’s waging a war against Ash’s happiness. Its stressful its annoying and now the war has come to my shores. Now his mother his becoming my mother and stalking my wall. I am not safe, nothing is private and I am being smothered. I hate being contained, I will not be tamed. I wild at heart, by doing that Ash’s is trying to kill of my spirit. Oh no I am not going down.....I am like Spirit I’ll never be broken. Sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.....

Play nice...its time for my Poker Face. <3

your move Ash’s mom...


I am trying to remember in vain, how it was when I met Kit’s parents, how I acted. I was sweet and shy I think but that was the 1st meet and greet of parents. I’ve gotten quite good at it. After all as a nanny I meet parents and have to charm them everyday. I know the correct words to use. I know how to present myself and be adored. True, I am not always a good-goody I’ve got an edge. However, I am unbelievably protective and no one is going to hurt my baby on Thanksgiving.

So I’ve got to think this over in a serious way. I’ve gotta get answers. I need advice, so cleverly I wrote to Lauren. I know she’ll be able to give me constructive advice that will lead me in the right direction. With her help I’ll be poised, elegant, darling and sweet. I know this is a tall order. Just after I’ve learned to call my baby with male pronouns. I’ve got to go bak to female, my mind is getting foggy lol. Thats ok though. I’ll practice right now...
1)“ I adore my girlfriend.
2)“ i love spending time with your sister.”
3)“ She always knows how to make me feel better.”
4)“Its an honor to meet the family of the girl who’s become an important part of my life. “
5)“ What do you think Ashley, would you like to go out to the movies with your brothers and sister.”

Ash just wrote me these things....the she, refereed to in the first letter is his sister.

"she was actually giving me a warning....and telling me all the things my mom was saying behind my back about when you come over.....
like my mom was just saying "if either one of them (you or me) uses words like he/him/his/boy etc she (my mom) will beat me in front of everyone to show that this behavior is intolerable"
lovely isn't it lol.....you don't wanna see me getting hit.....it's not fun.....my brothers say i look like a little dog cowering away from an abusive owner -__-

and like my sister also told me that my mom said things like if you doesn't socialize with the whole family and only cling to me she will be so disappointed and not allow you to come back....*sigh*
lol babyyyy....you always charm me♥ like every single day that we are together you amaze me and surprise me and remind why i love you so much♥

*sigh* okayy lol if you call me your girlfriend.....i'll try my hardest not to crack up laughing.....lol....like to me its just so fake and ridiculous.....lol i hate putting up fronts and pretending lol.....buttt.....that's just in front of everyone....once we are in my bedroom.....door shut.....no one but us.....it'll be normal♥ like.....thats what i'm most looking forward too....like yeahh i definitely want you to meet my family.....to prove to my mom that i am serious about you (she thinks im not and that our relationship is a joke -__-).....but i really kinda just wanna have us time....lol.....like does that sound too greedy?....."

I don’t like pretending, I am not much reveling in the fact that by calling him any of those words. I am kinda hurting him, but its got to be done. We’ve all got to swallow our pride. I don’t like being considered a joke....thats hurtful and annoying. But I take it in stride, I’ll deal with it. All that matters is that Ash loves me...thats all.

I’ll be the sweet angel that Kit reminded me I was when I came to her house. I thanked her mom and dad many times. I asked to help and complemented everything. Of course Kit was an only child, now I’ve got to be prepared to interact with his siblings. I’ve got to be engaging and exciting. I wonder if I should think up questions and ask them on cue cards. I’ll look around the house and ask a lout of questions. I’ll probably drive everyone nuts. Because I’ll be asking them so many things.

I’ve got to ask Ash, when he does get his phone back questions about his mom and dad. About his sister and brother what they like to do. I need details....

I’ve got to be up on the details I want to revel about myself too. I hope my being a lesbian doesn’t come out. I’ll be embarrassed, I’ll look everyone in the eyes. I’ll be confident and strong. I’ll be clever and beautiful like Blair and sweet and cultured like Serena. I’ll be no nonsense like Callie. I’ll be intellectual like Temperance. I’ll come with a big personality and happiness. I’ll be easy going and tell funny stories at dinner. About the children and the animals I’ve come into contact with. Maybe I could tell my famous PIE STORY? That always made Lauren laugh so much. The entire family always died laughing every-time. Even my mom got a good laugh about it. Even though the Pie story was about her batched pie.

My mom is an amazing baker, but her pies...*giggles* need a lout of help in the crust area. She never did figure out how to make them healthy and soft.
~*la misma luna*~